I always know when my mom is making a subtle commentary on my life because her tone alters to a slightly higher register. Like the way adults talk to dogs or babies, or how the woman at work recommends her therapist to me before adding: “My door is always open.”

Of course, now that we’ve spent 31 years together, my mother has gotten better at the art of subtle suggestion. Or, as they say in the south: Bless her heart, she tries. The trying is when it gets really funny. That said, here are the 5 Things My Mom has Said Because She Thinks I’ll be Single Forever:

No. 5:

“I’m at Friday’s and I showed the waiter your picture. Here, I’m handing him the phone.”

No. 4:

“I’m so happy for you, Sweetie. You finally found a man who can fulfill your needs.” (In reference to my dog.)

No. 3:

“What’s your cousin doing this weekend? I don’t think he’s seeing anyone.”

No. 2:

“Sweetie, you have to borrow money to come home. You can’t adopt a child.”

No. 1:

“I was going to give this to you when you got married. But I’ll just give it to you now.”

This piece was written by your Publisher, who wishes to stay anonymous should a quick Google search turn up intimate details of her personal life. You understand. Click here to read more from this author.